Thursday, August 27, 2009

Clarity, Cohones, and Continuity


Why is it that conversations about the status of a relationship are always the hardest to have. I'm not just talking about boy girl relationships...I'll get there - just hold your pretty little horses. But even just friendships.

Take Dough and I. We talk on an extremely regular basis...but as I stated in my last post - Dough has recently decided to make a move to Arizona. Why is it that for two days after she made the announcement I didn't want to talk about it? When we did talk it was in anger and not about anything rational or related to what REALLY needed to be discussed. I finally reached out on Facebook of all places. We had our "DTR" this morning (Define the relationship for those of you who aren't with it yet). For two days I was in agony and one 15 minute conversation could have put me out of my misery. All Dough had to say was "we'll be together forever - Arizona is just temporary"...ah. All is right in the best friendough "marriage" again. I know some of you were worried there for a hot minute.


I don't typically discuss my relationships with the opposite sex because to be frank...there usually isn't much to discuss and you would all go crosseyed with boredom. But I would currently like to know what the hell happened to men having cohones, balls, testicles, nuts...COURAGE. I realize this is the 21st century and I'm for women power as much as the next Rosie Odonell (well maybe not QUITE as much as her)...but I still respect a man who has the balls to discuss status.

A friend recently told me; "You have to have the talk. If you don't bring it up, he never will so it's up to you." Well fuck. I consider myself to be 22 - in most areas of my life. When it comes to relationships I am 12....maybe 13. I do not know how to handle these types of conversations and thinking about them makes me physically ill. So this should go really well.

This brings me to my next point.


If I'm going to work up the umph to pull the girl card and bring up "status", I'm not going to do it like some blindfolded kid trying to pin the tail on the donkey. I'm directionally challenged and I would invariably pin the tail in a socially unacceptable place. I need direction - hints - clues. My point being: I'm not going to start a DTR without having some idea about what the outcome of that talk is going to be. Thus my need for continuity in terms of actions. If one minute we are acting like two peas in a pod and the next it's back to seventh grade ass out hugs, how the hell am I supposed to know what he's thinking?

Let me just inject here that I would actually not care to have this talk at all. I would much prefer to let things progress naturally and without awkward relationship defining moments. Actions do speak louder than words. The problem here is that the actions are saying we are moving in one direction half the time and a completely opposite direction other times. Give me a C. Give me an O. Give me an N. Give me a T...etc.

Are we friends? Friends with benefits? Dating? Dating but we can see other people? Would he be pissed if I were seeing someone else? Would I be pissed if he were seeing someone else? Is he or I allowed to get pissed about that?

So. Someone needs to show me a little CONTINUITY so that I can get some COHONES and have a DTR thus bringing CLARITY into my life.

We'll see how this turns out.

~Best Friend

Tuesday, August 25, 2009


It's been awhile so here are some highlights:

In an attempt to pay rent I moved home to Kenmore Washington to resume working for a golf course. While I love this job...there was normally a deadline when I got to leave and head back down to sunny paradise...not anymore. For some odd reason, I'm getting tired of forcing the smile on my face to stay put while cutting my 44th wedding cake of the summer...or even odder still, when I drop champagne flutes all over the dance floor in the middle of cocktail hour and someone yells "oompa".

My mother woke me up at 4am the other morning. She claims she couldn't sleep because she was worried about me and my lack of a "real" if SHE can't sleep...why should I? And I would like to know the definition of a "real" job anyways. What does that mean - 40 hrs a week? Benefits? Reputable company? I would like it to mean a job that I love. That's it. Somehow I don't think my mom or the Pepperdine Degree that mocks me and my "real-jobless" self from it's framed space in the family living room will see it that way.

The plan was to work at home for a few months and then move back to California and live with Dough...but recently plans have changed and Dough may be headed to Arizona. Now...some of you may be thinking, "no worries, just work at home for a few more months." Well some of you may have never had to return home after college... whether or not you have, please scroll up to the part about being woken up at 4am and understand my hesitation to remain in my parents house for any longer than truly necessary.

After a small but warranted "freak-out" about having to postpone my move back to Cali...a friend called me "codependent": meaning it seemed I was relying on a lot of other people and their decisions to make me happy. Interesting. Having always considered myself an extremely independent person when it comes to my own happiness, this observation has put me into a little bit of a tale-spin.

I've always prided myself on not needing anyone else to make me happy...adapting to the situation and making the best of it. Don't get me wrong, friends and family are what make my world go round, but I was always pretty secure in the knowledge that my decisions were mine and not because of someone else. While I think that is still true...I may have been relying on Dough to make moving to California an easy adventure, and sometimes the best adventures are the hardest ones.

I'm not sure what that means because I was thinking moving to California jobless was going to be challenge enough. Maybe it means figuring out how to make the best of the situation in Washington for a few extra months. Maybe it means moving south despite Dough's absence. What the heck, maybe it means moving out of the country. Who knows? Thus my search for some clarity.

Life after college is supposed to be hard as hell and it is proving itself nicely. I'm certainly counting my blessings that I have a supportive family, a job ("real" or not), and a lot of laughs up my sleeve for the tough times; but emotionally speaking - it's soul searching time.

And in the meantime,
Things I am doing at the public library whilst trying to force myself to apply for jobs:
1. Making a to-do list of OTHER times I can apply for jobs
2. Researching new computers (My current pick would be a 15-in Mac Book Pro)
3. Roaming the aisles looking for something to read
4. Impulsively checking my inbox (phone and email) to see if someone has graciously offered me a dice yet.
5. Writing this lovely blog which you are probably reading in an attempt to avoid doing something just like me.

More later.

~Best Friend