Clarity

It's been awhile so here are some highlights:

In an attempt to pay rent I moved home to Kenmore Washington to resume working for a golf course. While I love this job...there was normally a deadline when I got to leave and head back down to sunny paradise...not anymore. For some odd reason, I'm getting tired of forcing the smile on my face to stay put while cutting my 44th wedding cake of the summer...or even odder still, when I drop champagne flutes all over the dance floor in the middle of cocktail hour and someone yells "oompa".

My mother woke me up at 4am the other morning. She claims she couldn't sleep because she was worried about me and my lack of a "real" job...so if SHE can't sleep...why should I? And I would like to know the definition of a "real" job anyways. What does that mean - 40 hrs a week? Benefits? Reputable company? I would like it to mean a job that I love. That's it. Somehow I don't think my mom or the Pepperdine Degree that mocks me and my "real-jobless" self from it's framed space in the family living room will see it that way.

The plan was to work at home for a few months and then move back to California and live with Dough...but recently plans have changed and Dough may be headed to Arizona. Now...some of you may be thinking, "no worries, just work at home for a few more months." Well some of you may have never had to return home after college... whether or not you have, please scroll up to the part about being woken up at 4am and understand my hesitation to remain in my parents house for any longer than truly necessary.

After a small but warranted "freak-out" about having to postpone my move back to Cali...a friend called me "codependent": meaning it seemed I was relying on a lot of other people and their decisions to make me happy. Interesting. Having always considered myself an extremely independent person when it comes to my own happiness, this observation has put me into a little bit of a tale-spin.

I've always prided myself on not needing anyone else to make me happy...adapting to the situation and making the best of it. Don't get me wrong, friends and family are what make my world go round, but I was always pretty secure in the knowledge that my decisions were mine and not because of someone else. While I think that is still true...I may have been relying on Dough to make moving to California an easy adventure, and sometimes the best adventures are the hardest ones.

I'm not sure what that means because I was thinking moving to California jobless was going to be challenge enough. Maybe it means figuring out how to make the best of the situation in Washington for a few extra months. Maybe it means moving south despite Dough's absence. What the heck, maybe it means moving out of the country. Who knows? Thus my search for some clarity.

Life after college is supposed to be hard as hell and it is proving itself nicely. I'm certainly counting my blessings that I have a supportive family, a job ("real" or not), and a lot of laughs up my sleeve for the tough times; but emotionally speaking - it's soul searching time.

And in the meantime,
Things I am doing at the public library whilst trying to force myself to apply for jobs:
1. Making a to-do list of OTHER times I can apply for jobs
2. Researching new computers (My current pick would be a 15-in Mac Book Pro)
3. Roaming the aisles looking for something to read
4. Impulsively checking my inbox (phone and email) to see if someone has graciously offered me a job...no dice yet.
5. Writing this lovely blog which you are probably reading in an attempt to avoid doing something just like me.

More later.

~Best Friend